| Fuck! It's been sooo long since I've been on here. |
[Jun. 6th, 2009|05:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Mom's house | ] |
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| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the tv | ] |
Ok... Let's see. Things are going awesome. I'm dating an amazing guy and we just celebrated our 4 month anniversary. I NEVER thought it was actually possible to feel this way about someone. But I can now say it is!!!! After all I went through during Brad and my breakup. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. And hands down worst breakup. We had such plans and then I was left with absolutely nothing. But I thank GOD everyday for all the challenges, etc without those I wouldn't be who I am today. =)I just changed my MAJOR again. Argh. The good thing though is that I finally know this is what I want to do. I went from associates in pharm tech, to phlebotomy to know interpreter training. I'm excited I have always wanted to help people and learn sign language. Now I get to kill two birds with one stone. I can officially say now the medical field is NOT for me. I can't believe I've been living in my own apartment for almost a year and a half. It's nuts, time is flying by so fast. |
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| Long time no talk |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|11:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Steve's livingroom | ] |
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| | content | ] |
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| | Madden 07 | ] |
Yes I am alive.... I'm still living in Hazel Park. Though I'm never there anymore. I guess I'm kinda' seeing someone. We've hungout every single day for the past 3 weeks and I've spent the night basically every single night. I honestly don't know what we are but I'm just gonna go with it and have fun I guess. I got a new job, I'm now working at the Olive Garden. And I'm loving it, its probably one of the best jobs that I've ever had. I've been so busy lately it sucks, I need to get together with my girlies soon. Maybe all of us going to dinner or something. I'm excited too, I can't wait til Fri. the 13th I get to go bridesmaid shopping with Sara. I can't wait til her wedding.=) I'm so happy for her. I guess that's it for now. Don't have much else to say.
Caity |
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| Hey |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|11:56 am] |
Ok it's been ages since I've updated. I've moved once again, I now live at 9 mile and John R. I have a wonderful roommate Rick, who is awesome to live with. I am also now dating someone, Wes he's just adorable. I'm working two jobs still busting my butt to save up money and what not. Not too much going on really. Went through a few rough weeks awhile ago. But I'm slowly healing and making it through. It just wasn't meant to be I guess. Saying it and thinking it doesn't make it any easier but I'm trying. I guess that's it for now. |
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| No better time then now.... |
[May. 19th, 2006|01:10 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The couch | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | John's voice through the phone | ] |
Ok Yes I know I haven't written in FOREVER. I have moved once again. Down to Hazel Park I have the most wonderful roommate in the world.=) I now have 2 jobs working my ass off, trying to get money saved up. Still single, haven't quite found what I'm looking for I guess. He's out there somewhere I guess. It's pretty crazy I talked to an old friend 2 nights ago. We talked on the phone for over 3 hours. I've missed her terribly. I need all the great friends I can get. Because at the moment I'm gonna' start going off on some people. Thank you for being there for me tonight Sara. I miss you!!!! Well I guess that's it for now. It's kinda' hard to type and talk on the phone at the sametime.=) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|11:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | watching unfaithful | ] |
Ok.... let's see, I hadn't realized that I haven't written in this think in over a month. So here's the update kid's. I no longer live out in New Baltimore. I'm staying with a friend of mine in Hazel Park. It's sooo much better living here then where I was before. The stress and everything is basically gone. NO more drama!!! I'm still working 2 jobs, deciding if I'm gonna' look for something down here or not. Can't make up my mind. How come it seems everytime I'm single and decide to start looking for a guy they all come around at exactly the same time? Argh. Making things all complicated when they don't haveta' be. Whatever. Well I guess that's it for now. |
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| Good Times.... |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|04:02 pm] |
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| |  bouncy | ] |
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| | Mindcandy-Regonize | ] |
What a day yesterday.... I saw someone from my past, weird how much people change in almost 2 years of not seeing them. After my little visiting session, I had to drive back up to the house. And it ended up that I was gonna' be late to work. So I hauled ass to the house to get my work clothes and of course the house was locked. So I had to drive to 23 and Gratiot to use the phone and Beck had gone to the mall. Work wouldn't let me work because I was in jeans. Argh! So I didn't end up having to work after all. So I came down and hungout with Sara, stayed awhile. Went back up to 26 got my bag of clothes together. Drove back down and went to the Mindcandy show with Sara and everyone in Ferndale. AWESOME!! We got our titties signed...0=) What a fucking fantastic show. Then we all went to Randog's, left their quickly after getting there. And went to Crystal's house. What an interesting night it became..... I guess that's it for now. |
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| *Sigh=/ |
[Mar. 6th, 2006|01:54 pm] |
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| |  gloomy | ] |
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| | People talking | ] |
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
So far away
(So far away)
Been far away for far too long
So far away
(So far away)
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing, 'cause i'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
On the way to work this morning, I listened to this song on the radio. Though I've heard the song a few times before I really LISTENED to the words this morning. It made me burst into tears, how fitting it's meaning is to what I'm going through now. I've never told him that I love him, though I have since I first saw him so many years ago. I told him a few times that I was "falling" for him. But that's not the same besides that was almost 5 years ago. The question is can I allow myself to be vulnerable to someone again. To put that must trust into someone. I do know that I can and the thought of rejection.... I don't know if I could handle it. I let him know how I feel just haveta' wait for his response. That's gotta' be the worst part of it, the waiting.... I'm terrified.... Not quite sure how he's gonna' handle everything that I told him I've been through. He's first instinct will be to probably run. He's quite good at that.... No matter what him and I have been through over the years, we always meet back up again. He was one of my best friends and then everything happened with Mike and it all got messed up. I'm so scared to check my email and see he's name in my inbox. I always think the worst about males, so I don't get as hurt. My heart is saying one thing and my head is saying something else. I just feel like crying.... It's not like I can just talk to my sister about everything. Doesn't matter I guess, I'm sure I'll be kicked out by the 31st anyways. Just one more thing to add to the neverending stress that I call my life. I wish I could just get away.... Hell if things had worked out, I woulda' been in California now. Sometimes I catch myself wondering what it woulda' been like.... That also doesn't matter I guess, I'm better off no matter what my heart still says. I wish I was one of those people that didn't think so much. But I am, I constantly think about things and over analyze them. Which makes more stress and fear. I hate living so far away from everyone.... It's really lonely out here..... Well I'm gonna' shut up now, before I start balling in the middle of the library. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|05:35 pm] |
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| | content | ] |
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| | My typing | ] |
Ok...where to begin. Not too much going on out here. Though I did have a WONDERFUL Saturday night. Sara called and kidnapped me. We went and saw Mind Candy. FUCKING AWESOME!!!! THANK YOU SARA I LOVE YA!!!! I was in Heaven... Nothing like hot, pierced, and tattooed males to turn a girl on. Hopefully I'll be able to go see them again with her before they leave to go on tour. Wish I'd gone and seen them sooner with her. I haven't had that much fun in a LONG LONG time. Plus it was cool seeing everyone again. And encountering the "monkey fucker" with her. Haha. Leave it to us to get the crazies. lol. I was surprised when Steve called me the other day. Usually it's me calling him, and he actually called me first. Which was pretty cool, I miss not hanging out with him. Hopefully we'll get a chance on his winter break. I even talked to my ex Scott last week. Which was kinda' odd, since I've not spoken to him on the phone since we broke up over a year and a half ago. It was nice to play catch up, but I have absolutely NO intentions of dating him again. Too much drama!!! But yes I'm kinda' looking for a b/f... It's been almost 4 months since Mike... I think I'm ready to venture out. We'll see how that goes. And I also got a 2nd job, hopefully I'll make some $ and it'll keep me busy. Since there isn't much to do out here in BFE. Well I guess that's it for now. More later. |
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| Hey Yes I'm alive |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|01:47 pm] |
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| | contemplative | ] |
Hey yes I am alive, though I haven't written in this thing in a VERY VERY VERY long time. I'm not gonna' go into too much detail, all I'm gonna' say is I am now single. And Mike is no longer a part of my life. You want more details call me or email me. That part of my life is over and done with. So I am now living out at 26 mile and 94. Yes God's country I know... I am a faithful employee at Kmart, there is nothing out here hiring. But I do have an interview tomorrow somewhere else, so keep your fingers crossed. Anyways, I met a really nice guy out here, and yes I do have a crush. If anything I hope we remain good friends. He's back up at school, and I don't want to call him a lot. Because I feel as though I'm bothering him. He has a life up there and friends. And I don't want to be some annoying burden on him back home. I guess that's why their called crushes. I'm not gonna' stress over it, I have to get my shit together before I even think about having a b/f or a casual relationship. Not that it's been discussed between us or anything. I just tend to over think and analyze crap. You think I'd learn not to do that. I'm just now getting all the crap sorted out that I've had to deal with the past 8-9 months. Thank you for coming out Sara.=) You have no idea how much I've missed you.<3 Well I guess that's it for now. I'll write more later. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2005|10:51 pm] |
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It's official Mike asked me tonight to be his g/f. I'm soooo happy right now.=) I'll update more later. |
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| MMM Dairy Queen..... |
[May. 8th, 2005|09:07 pm] |
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| | loved | ] |
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| | The Tv is on | ] |
Ya well I've had a pretty shitty last couple of days. Thank u for the friends that have been there for me. Last night was pretty fun, went out and bowled. It was nice to just get outta' this house. I was still upset about work, got suspended for a week. I didn't do a darn thing wrong...whatever. And the fact that I hadn't heard from Mike. Though he knew I was upset/stressed, so I was extremely hurt. Well he ended up calling today and apologizing. He said he would call me back in a few. Well...2 hrs. later he still hadn't called back. When there was a knock on my front door, there Mike was just standing there. He brought me a surprise since he said I've been pretty down the past few days. He brought me Dairy Queen, mmmm a cookies and cream sundae. We ended up eating our ice cream, cuddling, and watching some tv. The he had to leave...argh! Darn his job to heck! Hopefully we'll get a chance to spend some more time together this week.=) But I think I could seriously fall for this kid. Well I'm off to finish watching Desperate Housewives and take a shower. U want to do something while I'm on my suspension just let me know. |
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| When It Rains It Pours |
[May. 6th, 2005|10:53 pm] |
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| | contemplative | ] |
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| | Breaking Benjamin-So Cold | ] |
I've had quite the crappy week, I mean there's been a few good moments, but they don't seem to out weigh the shitty ones. I got sent home from work on Tues. Argh. I really really can't stand my new manager. The guy is a complete and total ass. After I came home I went out with Michelle from work, went to Coney vented and felt a bit better. Well I ended up talking to Mike on Wed. I was supposed to go into work at 5pm but, I wasn't sure what my situation was there so I called and talked to my other manager. She told me she had the shift covered and to just come in on my next day of work Sat. So I hungout with Mike.=) We chilled at my house, ate dinner with my mom and watched tv. He's just too damn adorable. We made plans to hangout the next day, but I hadn't heard from him and he wasn't returning my calls. But he ended up just showing up at my house. We went and got his tether off, then he took me to Walmart and bought me the Phantom DVD and also dinner. Then off to work he went after hanging out for a bit. Today I get a call from Michelle from work, and I guess the fuckers at work have covered all my shifts (Saturday and Sunday). Which REALLY REALLY pisses me off, it would have been nice to have been informed. She stuck up for me and the asshole manager threatened to write her up if she kept talking about it. I mean I wanted to find another job, but I was gonna' put my 2 weeks in on Sat. Do it right and professionally. Now their trying to screw me over, and I have no clue why. Hell girl's there get sent home and written up all the time. I get sent home for the VERY first time from any job and their gonna' pull this crap. On and off today I've been crying. I've talked to Mike a few times and he kept saying he was sorry because he wanted to hangout but he's REALLY tired. And has to work at 1am...argh. I wish he was here, I just feel like complete shit. And I REALLY REALLY hate job hunting but I guess, I'll check out the classifieds on Sunday. Hopefully I'll find something better and pays more. Hell anything would be better then Big Boy. |
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| PRAISE THE LORD I HAVE A COMP. AGAIN!!!! |
[May. 1st, 2005|10:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
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| | Tipsy- Jkwon | ] |
It's so weird now that I have a computer again. I was getting ready for work yesterday, mom and Bill show up with a computer in a box.=) What a nice surprise. Then off to work I went, it was alright I guess. Gotta' hangout w/ Mike a work which was awesome. Nothing like getting kisses in the walk-in fridge.0=) And he liked the taste of my new lip gloss. That I bought w/ Nikki at the mall earlier in the day. Thanks Nikki! It was really cute, because I was in the break room w/ Michelle and I was telling her all that I bought. I took out the lip gloss and let her smell it, well Mike came in behind me because he saw me in there and he smelled it too. And was like "Mmm I bet this would taste good too, put it on." So I did and he kissed me, and yeppers he said it DOES taste good. Michelle was awwing at us, it was amusing. We were supposed to hangout last night, but we couldn't. Argh. So I decided to go w/ Sara to Neva's instead. Which was fun, and highly amusing. I encountered Pico, but all is well, I told him I wasn't interested. *keeps fingers crossed* And I'm supposed to go to the bar tonight w/ Sara. Hopefully no Brad encounters dear LORD, though I must admit the encounter Sara and I had w/ him a few days ago was HIGHLY HIGHLY entertaining. It's not everyday I get chased out of the bar and then have someone knocking on the car window. Fruitcake!!! Ya I received a response to my mass email I sent everyone about having the net ago... It was from Scott, I found it odd, not in a bad way...just odd. He was all nice and stuff. Stupid males. *rolls eyes* My niece is doing great as far as I know. I haven't been able to get out there, all I do is freakin' work. Argh. I can't wait til Wed. and Thurs. Wed because of course it's Sara's b-day.=) And Thurs. because from that day on hopefully Mike and I will get to hangout more. *Sara knows the reason* I guess that's it for now, hopefully Sara will be calling soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|11:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sara & I chatting | ] |
Another wonderful night.... Madison Leigh is officially a week old.=) Worked all weekend, harassed Sara and the people at Randog's. Had quite the busy week, of course talked to Mike every single day. MMMMM!!! Worked tonight, Mike came in and hungout for like 3 hrs. or so. Just so he could hangout with me. Damn him having to have 2 jobs. Argh. So we came back to my house, we were gonna' rent Pulp Fiction. Because he thinks I need to see this movie, for the meer fact it's one of his favorites. But unfortunately he had like an hour or so to go to his job. So we ended up just talking and cuddling. Sara called we chatted for a few mins. discussed how hot Mike's deep voice is...always a plus! I think I've finally found the guy I've been looking for... *crosses fingers* I've really missed not being someone's girl. Well I guess that's if for now, hopefully my comp. will be fixed soon.=) I'll update again soon.... Out with Sara I go...WAHOO!!!!=) |
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| GAY BARS ARE FUN!!! |
[Mar. 18th, 2005|01:33 pm] |
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| | amused | ] |
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| | The sound of me typing | ] |
Yesterday was a blast! I don't I could have asked for a better, more fun St. Patty's Day. I met up with Sara and everyone at the bar around 10:45pm. We had fun just hanging out and what not. But then who should walk in but Brad. ARGH! I just ignored and didn't pay him to much attention. But when I went to go outside to get my chapstick with Sara. All of a sudden Sara was gone and I felt someone grab my shoulder and say "Hey!". It ended up being Brad. He grabbed both of my hands held and squeezed them. Asked me how I was doing, how long I'd been there etc. We talked for a few mins. then he told me he let me go outside to get what I needed. I was like "I can talk to u a little bit longer, it's no big deal." But I ended up going outside. A little bit later, I was coming outta' the bathroom and he was walking toward them. I thought he said something so I said "What?" and he was like "Nothing, why?" I told him I thought I had heard him say something. We talked about another min. Then he asked me why I was being so defensive. ARGH! I wish I had said what I would have liked to say now. But nooo I'm an ass. But if I ever run into him again then I'll define. say it now. But it makes no sense, just leave me alone. If u don't like me, don't want to be with me. Then just leave me alone, just act like nothing has happened. Because it has, and u can't change that. Then he's 2 friend's were hitting on me, one asked me to go home with him. Um ya...I'll just blame it on him being drunk, though he's mentioned it once before when he was sober. The other said he'd be my cabana boy and anytime I wanted it I could have it. Um ya...he was sober. ARGH!!! I don't get males, I honestly don't. After the bar, we were gonna' head to Coney, but went to a gay bar instead. I had a BLAST!!! I haven't had that much fun in a LONG time. Or allowed myself to dance in front of a bunch of strangers. I'm not exactly sure what came over me, but DAMN I should allow it to more often. Thank u Sara for an AWESOME AWESOME night. I love ya!! *HUGS* Don't worry keep ur head up, things will get better, no matter how shitty they seem now.=) |
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| Hey.... |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|12:45 am] |
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| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Crossfade- Far away | ] |
I've come to the conclusion again that males all suck. I'm soo sick of the mind games, lies, and bullshit. So I'm done as of now, I'm not dealing with any of it. Just gonna' be single, not waste my time on people that obviously don't feel the same way I feel. Just wish I'd get over that "someone". Argh. It feels like it's never gonna' go away, no matter how many months have pasted, he's always still there..in the back of my mind. Nothing like being frustrated. On a good note, I FINALLY got my voice back. And I think I'm almost completely better. *knocks on wood* Works going alright I guess, same old same old. On the hunt for a new job though. Since the house is back on the market. Fun fun fun. But I'm actually pretty proud of myself, I'm fed up with people being my "supposed" friends. FUCK THEM!! I deserve better then them, hell anyone would deserve better. No one deserves to feel the way I've been made to feel. So I'm cutting them outta' my life slowly but surely. Life's too short to waste on people who couldn't give 2 shits about me. Why even bother with making the effort anymore? I just can't believe it Becky is gonna' be due pretty much any day, though her actual due date is April 15th. I can't wait I'm soooooooo excited. Maybe somewhere down the road I'll get lucky enough to find the "right guy".... But I guess I'll just wait and see how that turns out. I'm sure as hell not gonna' hold my breath. Well that's it for now... |
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| THE CAT'S MEOW |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|08:08 pm] |
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| | chipper | ] |
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| | The tv in the background | ] |
This week has been going alright. Last night I met up with Sara at her house and went to the dog. We were all just hanging out listening to people sing Karoke. When BAM in walks Brad...mmm!! One of the guy's Josh was like "HEY CAITLIN ISN'T THAT UR MAN?!" I was mortified, but he didn't hear thank goodness. I wasn't expecting him to be there last night, thank GOD I looked cute. Anyways this goobery guy wouldn't stop sitting by Sara and I. I didn't want him sitting there incase Brad saw and thought I was with the guy. We finally after like 30-an hr. Brad was saw me and we started talking. I ended up going and sitting with him, and we chatted it up. We've decided to do things right and go on a few dates. So as we walked out last night I gave him my # so we can set something up. Keep ur fingers crossed!!!! Thanks again Sara *hugs* I saw Morgan and Becky today, I met up with them at Jcpenney for Morgan's Easter pix. They came out sooooooo adorable.=) I think that's it for now. |
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| =) |
[Feb. 20th, 2005|01:15 pm] |
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| | amused | ] |
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| | The tv in the background | ] |
My week wasn't too bad. Thursday though Sara and I accomplished our "mission" for me.=) THANK U SARA UR THE BEST!!!! Yes we got the guy's name at the bar. His name is Brad, and him and I talked and talked all night. Heck when I went back with Sara to her group's table a little bit later he came over to me again. Then he went back over to his friend's table and said if I wanted to come back over to talk that'd be fine. Well Sara and I had to potty so on the way back from the bathroom, he grabbed my hand and I stayed to talk to him. Sara came looking for me, she was worried since I was behind her and a few seconds later I was gone.=) Then he asked me if I'd like to do something after. I REALLY REALLY wanted too. Then he was like "Is it bad that I really want to kiss u right now?" I didn't think it was but we didn't kiss. Then they called last call and he came and sat by Sara and I. We left a few mins. later. We just hungout in my livingroom watching tv, then he asked to kiss me so I let him. DAMN!! That guy can kiss, I felt it all the way down to my toes. Then we went and cuddled in my bed, kissed a bit more and he spent the night. No we didn't have sex or anything like that. He had to leave at 930am, but when the alarm went off he didn't want to go. So we laid there and cuddled some more. Until his cell went off and he had to talk to his work. Then he got dressed (he put his shirt back on), I walked him out he gave me a few more kisses asked me when I'd be at the bar again. And then his cell went off again, so he left quickly since he had to go home, shower, change for work. I can't wait to see him again, THANK U SARA!!! *HUGS* |
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| I WISH MY THOUGHTS WOULD STOP MAKING MY HEAD HURT |
[Jan. 24th, 2005|02:31 pm] |
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| | contemplative | ] |
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| | The humming of the computer | ] |
I haven't really updated in awhile. Haven't had all that much to say I guess. Things have been going alright, I got a car on Tues. Hopefully I'll have the money together in a week to get the tabs, etc. It'll be sooooo nice to be able to drive around again. Maybe I'll save up a bit of money and go on a trip by myself. Clear my head and figure out things. I just wish I still didn't love/miss someone that couldn't give 2 shits about me. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to be a guy, and be able to just shut off my emotions/feelings toward someone. Like they seem to do. Maybe it'd make life a bit easier. A part of me can't wait to move outta' this house, to get away from all the memories and reminders. Most days I seem to do alright, but others tend to be real hard. Being stuck in bed all weekend with the stomach flu didn't help matters either. Argh! My mind just wouldn't stop wandering and my tears wouldn't stop flowing. Thank u Matt for the slurpees and soup. I REALLY apperciate it. I feel bad though, a couple of guys have come around that really like me. I'm just not interested in another b/f right now. I compare them, etc. Which I shouldn't do, but I still catch myself doing it anyways. I just haven't found anyone that makes me feel the way he did. All I see are great friends in them, I'm not gonna' be with someone just to make them happy. Nor would I want someone with me just because they feel sorry for me. Things are just quite confusing. Some of my friendships seem to be falling apart. There's only so much I can do to try and keep them together. Nobody wants a one-sided friendship. Becky, Morgan, and the baby are doing great. I can't believe the baby will be here in April. I'm REALLY REALLY excited. To top it off Morgan said her first real word Friday. She said "Baby" which is just awesome. It'll be great to tell the baby when it gets old enough to understand. I love that little girl to pieces. Well I think I'm off to take a nap. |
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| *Sigh Where To Go From Here.... |
[Dec. 7th, 2004|11:33 pm] |
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| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Falls On Me-Fuel | ] |
I haven't updated in awhile, not really much to talk about lately. These past few weeks have been hard. I'm quite confused about some things and don't really know what to do at this point. Especially during this time of year, it's bringing up A LOT of Scott memories. And things keep reminding me of him which doesn't make it any easier.=/ I've been finding myself breaking down lately. It's been a little over 2 months, the pain has lessened yes.. But I still miss him, I can't just up and walk away from someone that I've been with/around for 2 years. He's been a VERY important part of my life. Then there's the guy I've been majorly crushing on. I'm all confused about my feelings for him too. I mean I'm still in love with Scott, not the way I used to be. But the love is still there and probably always will be. With this other guy, I used to have strong feelings for him. But I'm not sure if what feelings with this crush I'm having are real anymore. Or just a way to get some attention and stuff. I don't want to use him or lead him on in anyway. I don't think I really am... My defenses are sooo up, I'm sooooo scared to allow myself to open up to someone so much again. I just don't have it in me right now to do that. I let Scott in soooo much, and I got completely shit on. There's no way right now I can trust someone that much again. Then there's this other guy I'm hanging out with on Thurs. with some friends. Nothing is gonna' come of it I'm pretty sure of that. I told him what I want right now, and it upset him. Too bad, I just want to be friends, get to know each other. Take things REALLY REALLY REALLY. I want to be someone's g/f again, just not anytime soon. The way Scott and I went about it seemed to work out really well. So I'd like to take that route again. Damn it! It's like I'm partially reliving the break up again. Everytime I close my eyes I see Scott looking at me and smiling like he used too. And then the other guy fades into him. I shouldn't let him have this affect on me anymore. He made his feelings quite clear when he dumped me on here and then ran. Why am I breaking down right now in tears?! Argh! This whole situation is just soooooo damn frustrating to me. All my girlies know the complete situation. I just don't what I'm supposed to do, I really truly honestly don't...=( |
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adema8282's journal